Expectations and my current reality

I had my yearly work review a couple of weeks back. Time once again for my meager, albeit still appreciated, raise and a couple of minute chat with my supervisor about the review, how I did last year, and what's expected of me for the next year.

My supervisor said that I was right at the cusp of being a top performer, that I would need only to take a few steps to get there. A bit more initiative and ownership, especially of the one product that I'm sort of the point person for in my dpeartment. And, as such, he would be expecting more of me in the next year. All in all, somewhat flattering and I believe somewhat accurate in some of the effort that I did put in during the year. But basically, if I wanted to achieve the same marks next year as this then I would have to do more.

I must progress, in short.

Not a bad thing on paper, but there's arather large stumbling block when it comes to my current reality.

That's because my current reality has me feeling very apathetic about my job. It's something I've noticed over the past month or so. It's very much that I could care less about it right now. "It" being: help-desking anyone, answering calls, logging information, any of the many administrative dutites, upgrading my skills and knowledge. Basically anything that my job entails. I just don't care.

Sometimes the phone rings, and I just look at it and think: "Someone else will get it."

Sometimes I finish a call and wonder if I should even bother logging it.

Sometimes I need to call someone back, or research a problem, and would much rather surf the internet.

I should probably be working now, but I'm writing a blog.

You get the picture.

When I'm sitting here staring blankly at the computer screen when i could probably be updating our contacts database I sometimes think about why. And there are a couple of reasons, that I've become aware of.

1) I've been dissatisfied about other aspects of the job, including possible favortism, other's roles in the department (or lack thereof), and the percieved notion that some of the initiative I try to show is met with lackluster enthusiasm on the other side. Some of this I did address during my review, and could possibly be recitified. Jury's still out on that one.

2) It's no secret that I'm not a fan of the cold. I've said it many times, and probably many times even just here on the blog. So when winter rolls around, my mind automatically starts thinking about getting the hell out of Dodge and all that encompasses. Which includes obviously leaving this job. Expending a lot of mental energy thinking about being somewhere else, physically and career-wise, sometimes doesn't leave much left over for actually doing what you're supposed to be doing.

3) A mild case of depression currently also is a factor. I mean in the clinical sense, symptoms of which include the lack of desire to do anything. Except sleep. Not that I ever have a problem with sleeping. This is likely brought on by the oncoming winter as well (I believe I'm at least slightly prone to S.A.D.), as well as the fact that it's just part of my personality. Sometimes it happens, then it goes away. Pretty normal, you just have to work through it.

But all of these factors add up to a whole that leaves me not particularly caring about the expectations of me here at the 'B. Which is never a good attitude to have if you want to enjoy the benefits of continued employment: ability to pay rent and not live on the street, affording food and heat, having beer and occasional good time money on hand.

So what's the resolution? I don't know. It's a lot easier to work through something like this when it's something you care more about. My job is not exactly in that category. But what else is there. Gotta keep on truckin' through. Maybe the sun comes out tomorrow, but even if not it's still up there in the sky and clouds can't keep it away forever.