(Kibbles and) Bits and Pieces

Two today beacuse I'm bored at work.

Football season starts tonight! Despite all my other faults in being someone you'd want to ever date---the tourettes syndrome, that drooling thing, my desire to say the funny thing rather than the right thing, my 15 inch penis---I would make an especially bad boyfriend between the months of September and January. Because every Sunday would be Chris time. A little day all about me. And the couch. And the TV. And football. And my computer to check fantasy football stats. I'm sure it would be enough to drive even Mother Theresa insane. Not that she's available.

Anyway, I'm excited, even though I have to watch the Patriots tonight, because they're the only game in town. But it's still better than baseball.
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"Heinz Tomato Ketchup". That's what it says on the bottle. Why? Are there other types of ketchup we're missing out on? A nice mango ketchup? Carrot ketchup?
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Celery in tuna fish. Just stop! It's not good. It's disconcerting eating a tuna fish sandwich and occasionally biting into that solid bit of anti-taste. I'd like this idea wiped from the books.
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Speaking of celery. This is supposed to be the food best for you, right? Because it takes more calories to eat it than it actually posesses or something like that, right? Great for losing weight! Eat celery! Too bad that non-taste of it actually tastes like crap.

But I have a solution. When I was reading Fast Food Nation some months back, there was a chapter about food additives, and how they pervade pretty much everything we eat. Everything. These plants (largely located in NJ---go figure) provide those little extra drops of magic that makes potato chips taste like potato chips, that make Ellios pizza taste like Ellios pizza, that help orange juice taste like orange juice.

Why then can't these people go back to their industrial cauldrons and whip up a batch that makes celery taste like tacos, that makes broccoli taste like pizza, that makes that one dry piece of wheat toast you allow yourself for breakfast taste like a BigMac.

I'm thinking this would be a good way to battle the obesity problem that it's been documented that this country faces. Make the stuff that good for you taste good, and people will want to eat it. That's my thought. I'm a forward thinker. Solving the worlds problems one blog at a time.

And then maybe we can have no more of stories like the woman suing her doctor because he diagnosed her as fat. What the fuck is that about. Tell you what, sweetheart, throw a couple more grand on that lawsuit because you're probably ugly, too. Oh, and might as well give me no possibilty of parole because you're most definitely stupid.