The good news is...

No cancer of the vag, probably.

Last week I started feeling a discomfort in my lower abdomen. Pain is too strong a word to describe it, it was nowhere near that. There would be twinges of "pain", along with a tightness, and occasionally what felt like gas, but wasn't. Just general discomfort, not localized to any one area, but the lower abdomen (or super-pubus, as my doctor called it) area. Very mild, but consistent. So I figure I'll give it a few days, get through the weekend and see what's what. Monday rolls around, and it's still there. So, I call the doctor and make an appointment.

Now, the problem with such vague symptoms, at least to me, is the fact that they're vague. A sudden sharp pain would have had me less concerned than a sudden, persistent discomfort. Because I have no idea how to diagnose something like that. It's a testament to this day and age that my mind pretty immeadiately jumped to: Cancer. It's cancer. All that masturbating caused prostate cancner. Just fucking wonderful. Well, at least that weed I smoke can now be classified as "medicinal".

Now, for the record, I didn't really think it was cancer. Not seriously, but there was that persistent little nagging voice in the back of my head that kept saying it. It's that same nagging voice that shows up to fuck with your life in any number of ways. When a girl (or guy, if that's your thing) gives you her number, it's that voice that says, "She doesn't really want you to call." When your boss calls you into his office, it's that voice that says, "You're being fired." You know the one I'm talking about. It's the one that had my blood pressure raised when I walked into the doctor's office this morning.

Anyway, so Monday morning I call and make an appointment to have it checked out today. I go in, decribe everything to my docotor, and he thinks about it....."I'm pretty sure it prostratis," he says. Prostratis (not sure of the spelling) is merely just an infection of the prostrate that can happen as we men get older. Remember, I'm only immature in mind, not so much in body anymore.

First thought: Phew! Not cancer.

Second thought: Oh, no. Not the prostate. You're not going whip out "the glove", are you, Doc? "Are you using the whole fist?" is a funny line in Fletch, but I don't want to be thinking it myself this morning.

Luckily, probing wasn't on the menu this morning.

And here's where it gets good, because this is a side of medical science I've not seen, not even imagined. Doc's prescribing some antibiotics, at the same time, he's describing some other things I can do that should speed recovery along. Of course, take these pills twice a day. Also, soak in a hot bath at least once a day. OK, I guess I can make that sacrifice. Oh yeah, and you know what else is good for speeding along recovery? Wait for it....wait....this is good, you'll like this..... MASTURBATING!!! I kid you not. Not only did it not cause cancer of vag for me, apparently, it cleans out the prostate. So, if I have to, to get better, I guess I have to. Sorry God and Christians, but my health comes before your sins. And to all you young men, when your parents walk in on you and yell, "TOMMY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" You can tell them that you're preventing prostatits.

So, yeah, no cancer of the vag for me. Which is a relief. Because, really, if I had a vagina all this time, I'd be pretty disappointed that I wasn't using it.
...
Every year my mom asks me for some ideas for what I might want for Christmas or my birthday. She wants a list. So, I usually come up with a few DVDs, CDs, books, maybe a new scotch. But this year, I've got nothing. There's not really much I can think of that I want right now. Finally I come up with, and tell her, if you want a joint gift for me for Christmas and my birthday, there's a cheap airfare to Austin in January.

So, I'm going to Texas in two months. I've heard good things about Austin, a little oasis of blue in a red state. Funky, ecclectic, great music scene. This is what I hear. So, I've wanted to check it out for a while. And now I will. Sweet.

Also, and more importantly, about a year or so ago, I thought to myself, "If I moved out of Boston, where might I be possibly be interested in going?" Obviously someplace warm or more temparate. The list I came up with was short. First tier (most likely): L.A., Atlanta, Austin. (Austin is the only one on that list I haven't seen yet. Not that it means much, visting isn't deciding about anything bigger in life, but at least I can get an idea if it's the type of place I'd like.

Because like G.I. Joe said: Knowing is half the battle.