Whadda you wanna do with your life?

I wanna rock! Duh-duh-duh-duh! Duh-duh-duh-duh!

This seems like a question that coming in late at 30. There's no set pattern to the way a life develops, but it always felt to me that you figure out the answer to that question in your 20's and are on your way to doing it by now. You have an idea of the career you want to pursue (lottery winner, notwithstanding) and you're working on it. Maybe you're happy, maybe not, but you have goals, you're working towards them, there's some sort of sense of accomplishment and progress.

Not me.

Here I am at 30, feeling pretty much adrift. I have a job, not a career. I live where I do out of familiarity, not necessarily desire. I have some ideas, but nothing to show for them.

I've recently found myself thinking that in a lot of aspeccts of my life, I'm about 10 years behind the curve. I feel like I'm doing and feelingat 30 which I should have at 20. Not so bad, in one respect. Young at heart, I think they call it. Also, immature. But that has it's perks and there's something to be said for it.

However, at the same time, I ahve many more worries at 30 than I did at 20. You feel time ticking away more. Body don't run as well as it used to. The occasionaly mysterious ache is cause for a lot more concern. Less hair where you want it, and more where you don't. And that nagging sense that I should be doing "something," and what I am, in reality, doing is not it.

Why do I stay at this job? It's decent. It pays well. The 'B is a good company to work for. It pays (I can't stress how important that is.) Do I enjoy it? Not particularly. But I worry. Would I even be able to find a new job, one I enjoyed more? I have little experience at that. Resumes, job interviews, monster.com. These are ideas that scare me. And even if I could find a job, jould I find a job that pays as well as this one currently does?

Why do I stay in Boston? It's a fun city. Plenty to do, not too overwhelming in size. But it's been 30 years. Been there, done that. It's certainly not the weather. Again, after 30 eyars, the concept of "seasons" is overated. I like it warm. Fall is nice, and summer of course rules, but non-existent springs, and miserable winters don't suit me. I don't ski or snowboard, so I'm not hanging around for that. Someone told me over the weekend they were surprised I was a summer person. They had me pegged as a winter person. After I punched her out, I wondered why that was. Can a region seep into a personality. Boston seems very much like a "winter" city, and it shows a bit in the people here. While not to say unfriendly, per se, they can be a bit cold.

But why is that question that concerns me. And it concerns me often. I spend a good portion of a work day, wondering "what if?" Could I just up and relocate? But I have bills? What bills, I ask myself? You spent 3 years living with your folks to pay down your debt and you did it. No outstanding loans. Credit card debt, negligible. Yeah, Netflix, phone bill, rent, utilities, sure. But you'll have those anywhere. Car payment? Move somewhere where you don't need a car. There goes that problem. As well as the insurance issues. It's doable. Go ahead. Move somewhere warmer, more to you liking. In the US...outside the country...what's stopping you?

But what about friends? Family? It'd be hard to up and move somewhere, leaving all that behind. But they'll still be friends and family, just not as readily available. So, you won't be spending so many nights at 6. And hell, you're family's scattered all around the country anyway, soon to be more so. But it'd be tough not knowing anyone someplace new. Yeah, but it'd help you break out of your shell, which you really need to do anyway.

These are the conversations I have with myself pretty much every day. Obviously I'm not satisfied with where I am, who I am, etc. But change is ahrd. Change comes with a good whopping dollop of fear. And while in a rearview mirror, those things you feared always seem much smaller and more insignificant, when those fears are still ahead of you, they loom large in the windshield. I think Buffy the Vampire Slayer said it best when it said, "Actual size." But the reality is that for all that awareness, it's still there. You still feel it. And that don't make it any less real. The monster in the closet, boogeyman under the bed.

For all I realzie this, still making the change is hard. Thinking about it is easy, but making it hard. However, at 30 the issues seem much more pressing than at 20, and that immaturity only extends so far.

Maybe someday I'll do something about it, and maybe if I can find some courage not poured from a bottle, maybe that someday could be soon.